I'm going to give a stab at the funny headline commentary thing that SleepyBeth does so well.

AP

Woman Allegedly Hires Hit Man for Cheese

Moldy cheese had developed intelligent life of its own and was blackmailing her.

Reuters

Cancer's road map to metastasis revealed

You can avoid cancer by taking a RIGHT at Albuquerque.

AP

Chicagoans Lament City's Physical Changes

We prefer all humans to be sexless beanpoles like models

AP

Poll: Nearly 1 Out of 6 Workers Claim Bias

Few workers admit that they have biases against others